Send positive thoughts

Going to try to keep this entry short and sweet.  I’m off tomorrow and have several meetings today so time is a luxury that I can’t afford at the moment.  I seem to be busy at work more and more these days, which is a good thing, but most of what I’m doing is just logging task, which is inane.

Managed to tick off everything on my list yesterday.  It wasn’t that ambitious but getting the haircut cancelled out a good portion of time with which I would have had to clean.  Ended up getting somewhat fortunate in that Dana and the kiddo were a little later than usual getting home so I have time to get to it while I waited on them.

So, I broke a toe in Rodeo rehearsal last night.  Went to catch a girl and had to adjust my balance and in doing so ended up kicking another guy in the shin and breaking my toe.  It hurts but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it sideline me.  I will dance this fucking ballet in a full body cast if I have to considering all the damned work and time I’ve put into it.

The kiddo has her YAGP performances this weekend.  I’m sending her all of my good luck and every positive thought that I have in the hope that she will do great.  I know that she’ll do well, but I think if she could do great and really get recognized it would open her up in so many positive ways.  I honestly feel that the effect could be kind of like the moment that George punched Biff in the face in Back to the Future.  I crave it for her more than anything and would be willing to sacrifice 10 years of my life just to get it for her.

I’m going to try to clean her room and make things as organized and easy for her as I can today.  We will all need to try to go to bed early tonight so that we’re ready to attack tomorrow with everything we’ve got.  For her, it’ll be her dances, and for Dana and I it’ll be making sure that she’s got everything she needs to succeed.

The State of the Life Address (January 2019)

Part of my effort to better myself this year was to keep an honest record of the things that I wanted to improve upon. 

First off – Income vs Spending

Almost 94% of our income, we spend.  This sounds bad and it is but the picture gets slightly better when you consider that we’re aggressively paying down debt.  If you factor that out, we spend about 80% of what we make.

What are we spending our money on?

7 % Car

2% Entertainment

5% Fashion & Leisure

22% Food

9% Home Goods

36% Monthly Bills

5% Pets

6% Wellness

7% Education

1% Investments             

These categories break down by various strata but there are a few things I want to point out.

24% of the Car expense was on rare service and maintenance charges

40% of the Fashion & Leisure was on Dana’s hair and the rest was mostly for my Rodeo costume

73% of the Home Goods was for rare Home Improvement items

33% of the Food budges was Restaurants (this is terrible)

36% of the Monthly Bills was for Credit Card Payments

And 100% of the education was for YAGP and Summer Intensive related charges.

Only time will tell but I don’t foresee most of these charges as being repeatable.  Hopefully, in the overall trend, January 2019 will be a month where we had a lot of extraneous expenses that could be easily avoided during any other time of the year.  The restaurants charge is the one that sticks out to me more than any other for which we should all be ashamed.  That was 7% of our overall spending and should be much less. 

Excluding the credit card expense (which I don’t see going away any time soon) these extra expenses comprised 24% of our overall spending.  So we could potentially get an overall gain of that amount in our monthly budget to either save or send to the credit card.  This is why I’m going through this exercise.  To identify weaknesses.

As for the diet:

There were 23 days out of 30 so far where I exceeded my daily calorie budget.  This budget is very restricted so, narrowing it down to show days where I was above 2000 calories, I get 17.  I failed to track on 5 of those days so they get counted as days above as I’m sure that they were.  As of today I’ve lost just shy of 2 pounds.

There’s a lot of room for improvement in the diet category and, as always most of these bad calories come from having a drink or 2 at night to get to sleep.  On days where I didn’t do this, I was well below even my restricted calorie goal.

Still, overall I’m doing better with drinking empty calories.  As of the beginning of the year, there was nowhere for me to go but up in that respect, and I have made iterative improvements.  I’m not happy with where I’m at but I am satisfied that I’ve done better.

While I can’t say I’m happy with the results from January, I can say that I’m optimistic in that I see a lot of room for improvement.  My goal was to do this for a month and see what I discovered but now I can say that I definitely plan to continue.  I want to see if we can do better and measure the steps that we take to get there.

Not much to say about yesterday except that I did what I said I was going to do.  I cleaned the house and played my video game until it was time to pick up the kiddo from dance.  In fact, I pretty much finished it.  I’m on some kind of epilogue now but the main storyline is finished.  This makes me kind of sad as it was a very fun experience and I hate for it to be over.

Today I’ve got to make a choice between cleaning the house and getting a haircut.  I put both on my list but there won’t be time enough to get to each of them.  I should probably get a haircut but I do like to have a clean house as well and that would help the family during what is already going to be a hectic and stressful Friday.

I can pretty much guaranty that we will be starting off February behind with regards to Restaurant expenses due to having YAGP this weekend.  I’m sending the kid all of my luck.

Me Time (Or something like that)

Today has been crazy busy at work so I’m not sure how long this entry will be.  I’ll probably just write on it when I can and update it whenever it feels complete.  There wasn’t anything important that went on yesterday, just a lot of unimportant things.

Oh Wait…  I guess that’s a lie.

Elissa got accepted into the Tampa program so now we have a real horserace on our hands.  The Nashville Ballet is a true company program but the Tampa School teaches Balanchine, which could lead to a gateway to SAB.  She wants to go to SAB so it would make sense for her to go there but at the same time, many former dancers we’ve talked to speak highly of the Nashville Ballet and also, they have a reputation for promoting from within.  Of course, there’s still Bolshoi coming up next weekend so we don’t have the complete picture but as of now, Tampa and Nashville are to two frontrunners. 

I’m afraid that there’s going to come a moment when my girls look at me and ask me which one I would prefer her going to and, as of now, I don’t have an answer.  In my gut, I like the Nashville program but I’m also aware that Elissa doesn’t have strong Balanchine training and the Tampa program would provide that possibly opening up a gateway to SAB.  I like both but my heart is in Nashville and there’s really no good reason for it except that they’ve made their process more painless than any other and they were the first to want her.

I didn’t make myself a very challenging list for yesterday but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy.  Did grocery shopping at lunch, came home after work and cooked for everyone, went to Rodeo rehearsal (ouch), and then home to fold clothes.  It was definitely a busy day but I never really felt overwhelmed.  I did however, get really sad when I went to lay down after Rodeo and saw that there were still clothes to be folded.

The rehearsal times were posted wrong for Rodeo so I had about 30 minutes to kill before we started.  Spent that time just talking with the other dads and the ballet director.  I felt good talking to them all (not common) and it was nice.  I think the rigor of this experience is giving us all a sense of mutual respect for one another.  Not sure how long it will last (as that place has a ruthless pecking order) but it’s nice right now.

It got cold overnight so the dog had to sleep inside.  Of course he cried and barked and of course I got up in the middle of the night several times to scold him.  It all makes me feel terrible.  I feel badly for scolding him and I feel badly because I’m not sleeping.  He used to not be this way and now this has been the norm for almost 4 months and it doesn’t appear to be stopping.

Tonight, I have very few plans.  Of course, I will have enough free time to tile, but I’m so sore and beat up from Rodeo that I just don’t want to jump headfirst into another intensive and painful task tonight.  I’m essentially taking the evening off.  I will take the trash out, help with the clothes, pick up whatever needs to be picked up, get the kid from dance tonight, and whatever else I need to do but I’m not going to tile.  Instead I’m going to use that time to play video games and I’ll probably feel guilty about it the whole time.

Dance Urslf to Death

I don’t even know how to classify this weekend.  In many ways it was a complete and total failure.  I ate too many calories, drank too much a times, and didn’t get much done.  But also, I spent almost all of my free time at the studio working on Rodeo.

Yup from Friday night to Saturday afternoon I felt like we were running that dance on a continuous loop.  I hurt my elbow pretty bad but still kept on.  In my down time, I felt completely spent, like I was sick or dying.  Went to bed on Friday literally shaking because I was in so much pain.

Dana said on Saturday that most of us dad’s looked pretty spent.  Honestly, only 3 of us managed to make it for that rehearsal.  Not sure where the others were but I’m glad I went.  I think it helped.

So yeah, I didn’t get much done this weekend but that’s only because I was being forced to dance myself half to death from Friday to Saturday night.  On Sunday Elissa had an audition for Ballet West (she got accepted but not at the main campus) and then there were cats to clean.  I didn’t get home till around 8pm.

I really wish that my kid could catch a break once in a while with this dance stuff.  Sometimes it feels like everyone around her is getting great opportunities and being cast in exciting parts and she always get the breadcrumbs.  I don’t know what the problem is. 

When I see her in class and on stage, she looks good to me.  She says she working hard and I don’t often hear any criticisms from her teachers.  I know that she could apply herself more diligently in many ways but so could many of her peers.  It just makes me feel badly for her.

I could almost believe

So I did drink too much last night but, unlike last week, it wasn’t because I was feeling badly about the way that things had gone.  Instead, it was almost the opposite.  We were having too much fun watching videos and talking and we each probably had too many.  It was a fun night.

I surprised myself yesterday but cleaning the house and the pool.  I wanted to do both, but as the day wore on, I started to get sore and tired from all of the rehearsals I’ve been to this week.  I came home completely convinced that I was just going to lie down on the bed until it was time to take Elissa off to dance.

What greeted me, when I walked through the door, was Dana busy picking up the kitchen and cleaning the bathrooms.  Apparently she had a conference to go to on Friday and wouldn’t be able to take care of things around the house so she was trying to get out in front of it.  I joined in.

My specialty is the floors so I vacuumed, swept, and mopped.  Once that was done, the kiddo headed off to shower while Dana worked on transferring files from her phone to her computer.  Since everyone was busy, I cleaned the pool.

Don’t get me wrong, with all of the work going on at the house my floors aren’t pristine and the pool was so bad that one cleaning isn’t going to cut it but, things are moving in the right direction.  I almost feel optimistic about stuff right now.  Like, if I close my eyes, I could almost believe that I’d be able to finish the house remodel by summer and lose 10 pounds.

Fine

Wow, look at me crossing off all of my task in one day!  Of course, this list was seriously restricted because of the Rodeo rehearsals last night but still…

Speaking of Rodeo, I kinda, sorta, feel like I may finally be getting the first 2 sections.  There are parts where I still struggle but it’s starting to feel a little bit more natural.  If I had time to practice more on my own, I’m sure that I could do it well but as it stands now, I will count just remembering all of the moves and the order in which they come as a victory in and of itself.

Tonight is Thursday which means that it’s Dana’s and my date night.  My hope is that it goes better than last week and the conversation flows with more smiles and fewer barbed comments.  It has every reason to be a happy experience because Dana and the kid are going out today to have an interactive otter feeding experience and everyone “should” be happy but “should” don’t mean shit where happiness is concerned in my family. 

I also hope I don’t drink too much.

When I got in from rehearsal last night, Dana and the kiddo were sacked out on the bed talking and having fun.  I was happy to see them enjoying themselves even though I felt a little left out (as I do often these days).  Then, almost as soon as I walked in the room they fell asleep.

Fine. 

I was tired, so that was okay.  Got the dog ready, moved the kid into her room, locked the doors, shut off the lights, brushed my teeth, put on my jammies and went to bed.  Then the goddamned dog started whining so I got up and took him out and watched him pee in 33 degree weather, then back inside, locked him up again and laid down.  Then he started whining again.

I ended up getting up and just basically yelling at him until he stopped.  It makes me feel bad to have had to do that but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.  I’ve tried to wait him out before and he just goes on for hours and hours.  He used to not be this way and I hate it.

Anyway, to make a long story short, after all of that was done, I had a shot and a beer to help myself fall asleep.  My calories were still within the range of what they should have been yesterday, I still lost weight, I’m in no way hung over, yet I still regret it.  I’m developing better habits but sometimes the old ones are easy to fall back on when everything’s a struggle.  

No Daylight

I’m kind of impressed with myself for yesterday.  I made an ambitious list for the day and got almost everything done on it.  In all honestly, I could have probably laid a piece of tile or two to get that final check but it just wasn’t worth it.  I played Red Dead 2 instead before having to leave to pick up the kiddo at 8:45.

Some of the other dads who are in this dance with me decided to get together for an impromptu practice session amongst themselves yesterday.  I absolutely need more time to learn that dance but I don’t regret taking a pass on going over it with them last night.  For one, I’m not a fan of most of them so I’d rather not subject myself to their company more that I absolutely have to and for another, I have so little free time as it is, I needed yesterday to catch up on some things around the house.

Speaking of no time, I got a semi-passive aggressive email from my mom’s old friend today wondering if I wasn’t answering her because I thought she was crazy.  Honestly, that’s not at all the case and it had only been about 24 hours since her last email.  I just don’t have any time and was trying to not give a vague or brief response when I wrote back.

Work is crazy today so I’ll probably cut today’s entry short and stop right here.  Once again, I managed to fall asleep without having a beer or a shot but it was a restless night.  The cat’s got something wrong with his bladder right now (the vet said it will pass) and he was all over the place making noise all night long.

Short and Scattered

Yay, I lost weight and ate right yesterday! I also managed to fall asleep (somewhat) without the aid of a shot of liquor.  I’m sure that the intense Rodeo rehearsal that we had yesterday helped, and I also didn’t try to force it, but it was good to be able to sleep naturally even though it was a very uneasy and often interrupted slumber.

I didn’t get much done on my to-do list yesterday.  I don’t know why I put down both “Pick up flooring” and “Make Amazon Returns” on the same list because there’s no way that I could have done both due to time.  Also, 2.5 hours of Rodeo rehearsals didn’t help matters.

For some reason, I woke up this morning in a pretty crappy mood. The dog was whining at 5am and the sound of it just set me off.  Trying to not hang on to it but man, the feeling of absolute hatred towards everything was so strong when I got up this morning it’s hard to shake.  This isn’t directed at my girls, of course, but rather at the world in general. 

Tonight I’ve got a busy to-do list but I don’t really expect to get to much of it.  If I can get the pool motor installed I will be very impressed with myself.  I hope that Dana has a good day at work and that Elissa has a good day at school and in her dance classes.

Pure Optimism

Happy Martin Luther King Day! 

The girls have today off but I have to work.  I think they’re planning to go shoe shopping which sounds very decadent but really isn’t because they both need shoes pretty badly.  Not sure what else they have lined up… probably just obsess over dance and dancers.

As you can see, this weekend was a big goose-egg as far as ticking off tasks goes.  It wasn’t like I wasn’t busy, I just didn’t get to anything on my list.  In fact, there was very little time over the weekend when I wasn’t occupied or obligated.

Friday night was Pas and Rodeo class till 8pm and afterwards, we sat out on the back porch and ate some delicious pizza that Dana had cooked up.  It was a really nice night and we had fun taking turns dancing on the deck for one another and just talking and joking.  Of course, I was really tired but still managed to stay up past midnight just enjoying the good times.

Saturday I took Elissa off to dance, managed to get my oil changed, and bought a cowboy hat for the performance.  I’ve never owned a legitimate piece of western wear in my entire life and I was shocked at how expensive all of these adult cowboy costumes are.  Most of the hats were $100 or more!  The one I got was around $70 and people at the studio really seemed to like it so I guess I did okay.

Boots were around $180 and up.  I even saw a few pairs that were $1000.  I’m hoping I don’t have to spend more than $60 or so on them so I’ve been looking on ebay and I did submit a bid for a used pair last night that I will likely win.  Even used, it’s going to come to about $80 with shipping and all so I HOPE PEOPLE ARE HAPPY THAT I’M IN THIS BALLET!  It’s costing me a fortune in stupid cowboy duds and lost time.

Speaking of lost time, we were told after practice that our rehearsals are being extended to 2 hours 4 times a week.  Yay.

Anyway, once rehearsal was over Dana and I drove out to Dallas to watch the kiddo perform at the Latino Cultural Center.  It was a nice performance and I thought that she did well in her part but it went on about 4 songs too long.  By the time it ended, I was definitely ready for it to be over.

Sunday we went off to Dallas so that Elissa could audition at SMU for SAB.  She really seemed to enjoy it and I hope she gets in but the competition is going to be intense for that one.  I guess it’s best not to get too excited but I hope she gets accepted (even though it’ll cost us a small fortune) and I wish her luck.

Once that was over we ate lunch and headed off to Fort Worth to let her audition for OKCB.  While she was there, we realized that we weren’t going to have time to clean out the cats cages at Petsmart once she was finished so I ran all the way back to Mansfield to clean them and then back just in time to pick up the girls.  It wasn’t that big of a deal but still, I was worried that I wouldn’t make it back in time.

Nobody really seemed to care for the OKCB experience and we decided it would probably be last on the list of programs when we’re considering them all.  Dana didn’t like the vibe, Elissa didn’t like the class, and I just felt that the whole thing was sort of Mickey[BR1]   Mouse and organized poorly.

Overall I ate too much and drank too much this weekend but I feel like this is the last of it.  I’m sure that I will have losing days again in the future but I don’t think I will ever have one as bad as any single one of them this weekend.  I feel a change in my mindset to where I’m just tired of being tired and feeling fat and aching all the time and I’m ready to do something about it.  I guess time will tell if that feeling is real or not but for now, it’s one of the few bits of pure optimism that I have in my life.

Done

Okay, that’s it.  After this weekend (where I will probably have a few) I’m done with drinking.  It’s just not very fun anymore.

Dana and I went and did our pizza date at Whole Foods last night.  She had wine and I had beer.  All evening long, the conversation was a little combative and I felt like I had to be on guard the entire time.  This was not how I pictured the night going.

When we got home, I helped her get ready for bed, went out and bought her some cookies, and yet still, she kept insinuating that I didn’t love her.  Look, I understand feeling a lack of confidence so I can sympathize with her but still, had I not had any beer, I feel like I’d have had a better capacity to deal with it all.  After she fell asleep I went out and got her flowers, put gas in her car, and drank an entire six-pack.

And now, this morning, I’m just angry.  

I’m angry at myself for drinking too much.  I’m angry at Dana for questioning my devotion to her when I do so much for my family.  I’m angry that I never have any time.  I’m angry that I can’t relate to the other parents at my daughter school.  I’m angry about the house and that, after years of complaining about it, Dana seems reluctant to help renovate it.  I’m angry about my job and how futile it feels.  I’m angry that my car has dents and scratches.  I’m angry at my parents for abandoning me and I’m angry for hanging on to all of this and being so angry about it.

Of course, all of this baggage is with me all the time but when I’m not drinking I can turn the volume down on it.  It’s not like I’m trying to avoid all of this but rather, these annoyances just become a part of the wallpaper of my life. I know I’m not the only one who has these sorts of frustrations and when I'm sober, I don’t let them dominate me and define my mood.   I like things better that way.

So yeah, I’m done with drinking for a while.  It’s not worth it.  When I drink, I blow my diet and come out the other side feeling worse about myself and my life.

Bought the wrong size air filter again.  I guess I’ll pick one up this weekend and hope that the 3^rd time is the charm.  Also, I investigated the breaker and found that it seems to be okay.  What’s wrong is that the pool pump motor is shot.  Turned it on and it basically just blew up at my feet.

The guy I had out last spring to help me with the filter told me that it was about to go so it’s not really a surprise and I’m glad that I got another season out of it.  Still, it’s an expense and a job I’d rather not have to deal with right now.  Replacing those motors is more of a pain than it should be.  I ordered a new one this morning and will replace it next week when it comes in.

Speaking of the pool, I guess I need to start looking at those solar heating systems and figuring out what I need to do to install one.  Dana and I have talked about getting something like that for a while now so I might as well go ahead and bite the bullet either when my bonus comes in from work or with some of the houses remodeling money.  I need a new bbq grill as well.

I don’t know.  Everything just seems completely futile right now and I’m annoyed by the minutia of life so I should probably just end this journal here.  I’m sure that tomorrow I will be in a better frame of mind.  I guess the good thing is that keeping this journal is helping to identify patterns like this that would otherwise just be contributed to mood or reconciled with pity.

Baby Steps & Old Man Aches

Allow me a moment to bitch about my old man injuries.  As you know, I have a sore butt now from my dare devil life jumping off the ground in a ballet.  As of today, I also have an aching hand because I pulled something in it while unloading wood flooring from my car yesterday.  Compound those two things with my chronic elbow and shoulder pain as well as my knee that likes to give out randomly and my bad back and you have the makings of a pathetic loser.

I know that other guys my age have aches and pains but man, I feel like mine are worse and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong.  Maybe I need to exercise more or have daily stretch sessions.  I probably should drink more fluids.  Or maybe I just shouldn’t do as much... but that’s not who I am.

Anyway, speaking of doing things, I really only accomplished one thing on my to-do list yesterday which was “Pick up flooring”.  I’m giving myself partial credit for cleaning out the pool but the girls got home before I could finish and also, I think there may be something wrong with the electrical breaker that drives the pool pump so I need to take a look at that.   In fact, I think there may be something wrong with at least 2 of my breakers.  Seriously, the whole damned box needs to be replaced.

Anyway, after diner it was off to Rodeo practice and then home and off to bed.  Had a shot to help me get to sleep last night (got to stop that) but stayed within my calorie tolerance and lost weight for the second straight day in a row.  I got excited about it at first because I thought it was the least I’d weighed so far in 2019 but actually on January 9^th I was 0.2 pounds lighter (and yes, that makes a difference to me).

Tonight, I don’t expect to accomplish much and I will probably blow my diet.  This is the day that Dana and I have our standing date night for beer and pizza at Whole Foods and, since we haven’t been able to go so far this year, I’m looking forward to it.  I think if I don’t bring any beer home with me (there’s actually no reason to) I may be okay but we will see.

Baby steps.

Castaways

Yesterday was alright.  Didn’t get much done but the day was kind of full of surprises so I just rolled with them.

On my daily to do list, you can see that the first item “Pick up flooring” has been scratched off and replaced with “Drop Sagan up [sic] at the vet”.  This was the first time my plans changed and it wouldn’t be the last.

You see, the cats been having trouble peeing for about 3 days now so we figured we should get it looked at.  The vet thinks it’s nothing serious and that it's related to a fairly common condition in cats that usually passes after a few days.  Unfortunately, while she was examining him, she found that he has some pretty nasty teeth, so we have scheduled an appointment with a pet dentist (or whatever) to have that looked at.

I did manage to get the propane before coming home after work but not much else was accomplished as my mom’s old friend showed up really, really early.  So early that we hadn’t had time to prepare any food so we ended up ordering a pizza which breaks the “NO EATING OUT DURING THE WEEK” rule but, okay, whatever.

The visit was fine.  She’s definitely crazy and she spent a long time telling us stories about how she’s involved with a secret, psychic, spy ring that’s helping to bring down a rouge shadow government with the help of Trump and Putin, but she was never mean or ugly.  When she wasn’t talking crazy it was fun.  She even brought us some gifts which was very nice.

Sadly, she seemed to be trying very hard to get me to care about my mom and yes, I do care about her, but I’m not going to deal with her so long as my father is around and those two are connected at the hip.  It’s all way more drama than I want to get into here but I think I disappointed her when I told her that my mom was an adult who could make her own choices and that I’d offered her a place to visit or stay at anytime and that if she chose to stick with my father, then that was obviously what she wanted and there was nothing I could do about it.

She did tell me a lot of things that my father had said about both me and my wife which weren’t very nice but honestly, I respect that man so little, he could tell everyone in the world his opinion of me and I wouldn’t care.  He’s one of the most selfish and self-centered people I’ve ever been around.  Things have been better since I cut him out of my life.

When she left, we agreed that if it was at all possible, we’d visit one another again.  Like I say, it was pleasant.  She got cut off from my mom because my dad didn’t like her and she wanted someone to talk about it with.  I was glad to be there for her because I’ve been in that position myself and it's really confusing until you just get used to it.

Hey, I also finally lost some weight yesterday!  Yay!

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Ouch!  I pulled something at Rodeo rehearsal last night and now my butt hurts.  It’s not serious and will probably be better by my next rehearsal but still it’s no fun right now.  Hurts to stand up or walk.

Yesterday was pretty good.  Went to the grocery store at lunch and started chili in the crock pot so there was no time to pick up flooring.  Maybe I’ll get a chance today.  I also didn’t get a chance to measure the bullnose in the bathroom but, once again that’s no big deal because I don’t even have time to get to it right now.

After running out to the store and putting food on to make sure everyone was fed before having to head back to the ballet studio at 5:30pm, the kid pulls me aside and tells me that she can’t eat my food because it gives her stomach trouble.  Dana told me not to get upset about it but in all honesty I did.  I feel kind of badly because I think that it made the kid a little self-conscious but then again I don’t because both of them gang up on me constantly about everything I do.   

It would be one thing if this was a one off thing but there’s some kind of complaint every time I do anything nice so it sort of hurts my feelings.  It’s not like I’m tremendously proud of my cooking but it’s not bad.  Also, I’m not doing all this because it’s a passion of mine.  I’m doing these things to try to make life easier for everyone else so fine, don’t eat my food.  I’m out of the cooking for everyone business and I don’t care if that makes everyone upset because the alternative doesn’t work.

Tonight I’m going to try to clean some of the pool.  It really needs to happen but I’m not sure how much I will be able to accomplish because an old friend of my mom’s is stopping by for a visit.  Sadly, I’m not looking forward to this visit because I feel that this person has lost their mind and I’m not sure what we’re going to talk about but I have a feeling the conversation is going to be difficult. 

Also, the dog needs to stop whining at night.  I guess I’m going to have to lock him in the garage or a bathroom so I can get some sleep.  He does this every night and it keeps me from going to sleep until I just get up and pour a shot which is not what I want to be doing right now.  Bad habits are hard enough to break without insane people and high maintenance dogs disrupting things.   

Busy but Better

You know, I’m pretty happy about this weekend.  I wasn’t perfect.  My calorie intake was above what it should have been most days and I did have some alcohol but I didn’t fail as spectacularly as I did last weekend.  I think my resolution to track my progress and be completely honest with myself for the first month of the New Year is helping me to slowly bring myself in line with where I want to be.

It was a busy weekend so I set the bar pretty low for what I wanted to accomplish and, as you can see, I managed to tick everything off.  My oil still needs to be changed and my pool needs a cleaning pretty bad but there’s only one of me so I’m trying to be realistic and get to what I can.  Even with this pared down list, I was busy almost the whole time.

On Friday and Saturday I had Rodeo rehearsals.  I feel like I’m making progress with it but man is it eating up a lot of my free time.  I have rehearsals tonight, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday of this week so really my only free day to do the pool or tile is going to be on Tuesday (Dana and I have a standing date night on Thursdays) but Tuesday my mom’s best friend is supposed to stop by so who knows if I will be able to get to anything.

After rehearsals on Saturday we headed out to Houston for Elissa to audition for some summer intensives.  It was a strange trip in that I really didn’t see much of the city and spent most of it just waiting on her with Dana in the lobby.  It wasn’t a bad trip but also not a very productive one on my end.  Hopefully it bears fruit for Elissa.

The important thing is, I’m not mad at myself after this weekend.  True, I’m disappointed in some of my decisions but I think that true change (at least for me) comes in a series of small iterative steps towards getting better and I can see myself moving slowly in that direction. Hopefully I can keep changing and have less things to be disappointed about and more things to celebrate during my hectic days.

EDIT - I kind of wanted to highlight a small moment from the trip that stands out in my head as being a very good memory.

We'd gotten in to Houston on Saturday somewhat later than we wanted to due to my Rodeo rehearsals and everyone was hungry.  Dana and the kiddo wanted to go swimming so, while they checked out the pool, I went out in search of food.  Down the street I saw a Whole Foods and, since we needed some groceries as well, I went in to see if I could kill two birds with one stone. 

In the store, they had a buffet set out with various foods you could box up and take with you.  Most of it was stuff that I knew our daughter wouldn't eat but I did find some roast chicken so I grabbed a piece for all of us and then got the rest of our groceries.

When I got back to the room, the girls were disappointed because the pool had been so crowded they couldn't swim but we all sat around, eating chicken from a box, and talking and joking with one another like everything was perfect.  It was a little moment.  Just the three of us sitting in a not great hotel room eating chicken from a box.  Nothing had gone according to our plans but still, we were happy.

I Should Just Give Up

This is the part where I give up and stop trying.  I mean, that’s sort of what I feel like doing.  That’s why I’m glad that I committed to doing this for a month.  No part of me wants to be recording what I eat, watching what I spend, or even writing this stupid blog entry but I promised myself I would do this every day of the working week for a month and I’m not about to abandon such a tiny commitment just because it’s annoying.  A month is so short these days.

Another wasted night with too many calories consumed, too much beer, and too late a bedtime and now my weight is actually ABOVE where I started.  To top it all off, I didn’t get shit done yesterday because of an surprise Rodeo rehearsal so yes, I’m feeling real frustrated.

Of course I have only my self to blame for most of this and I realize that.  I’m thinking that I probably have an alcohol problem and if I can’t stick with healthier consumption habits next week, I need to just walk away from it entirely.  I’ve done that before during crash diets and times when I really needed to get my shit together and have always been rewarded with feeling great after a few days. 

Maybe I should just go ahead and do it anyway.

This weekend we go to Houston so the kiddo can dance.  I’m looking forward to the drive (surprisingly) but not the time away from my obligations at the house.  I really need to get that tiling done, not to mention cleaning the pool, and getting my oil changed.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to write off the tile until after this performance is done and just stick to things that absolutely have to be done.

Failure, Frustration, and Futility

Yesterday was a complete and utter waste of time.  I got stuff done but none of it was done to any satisfaction.  Picked up flooring but they didn’t have enough in stock to make it a worthwhile trip, tiled but barely advanced the overall work, went to the grocery store but… (well that actually went pretty well).

To top my day of failure off, I drank too much yesterday and blew my calorie intake completely out the window.  I feel fine this morning but the results can be seen on the scale.  Almost back to the weight where I started before I started watching what I ate.  Just because of one complete failure of a day.

I think I’m starting to let the things that I need to do around the house stress me out so I’m going to make myself an easy to-do list for the next couple of days.  I’ve noticed that I’m rushing around yet achieving nothing and making a lot of dumb mistakes which frustrate me.  Giving myself a bit of a break until we’re back in town next week.

Not sure how much I’ll be able to accomplish next week but if I need to, I will stay home on the weekend rather than go to auditions with the kiddo.  I hate having to do that but this weekend will be a complete wash with the trip to Houston.  Also, next week we may have a visitor.  I just want to get the work done but my time is so limited it just all feels so futile.  I get maybe one row of tile laid a day.

Feeling Better and Losing

While I’ve checked off my “Work on tile” task from yesterday, it’s more of a technicality than anything else.  Yes, I worked on the tile but due to some tricky cuts, and just some dumb mistakes, I only managed to run 2 rows of one wall.  To make matters worse, I was doing some research on how to do something and I found out that “technically” I’d been using the wrong glue.

Apparently, the glue I bought is organic and can break down over time in wet environments.  I read up on it quite a bit last night and the overall consensus is that, based on where the tiles are on the wall, and the type of the specific glue I used, that things should be okay but I should never do it again.  Tonight, if I get a chance to tile, I’m going to switch over to mortar.

Good news, Elissa got accepted into the Nashville Ballet’s summer program.  This is hopefully the first of many.  She was also put on the wait list for a Houston program which, we’ve been told, is as good as an acceptance letter from this studio.  I’m very proud of her and all of the hard work she has put in.

Poor Dana wasn’t feeling well last night but she seemed better this morning.  I know that she’s got issues to deal with at work and I wish that I could help her with them.  I think the stress from having to manage all of her problem employees is causing her to feel badly more than actual sickness.

I did well on my diet yesterday but, once again, had to put myself to sleep with a shot of rum.  I want to get away from this habit but I’ve decided that, if it’s limited to every once in a while I’m not going to beat myself up over it.  Overall I’m feeling better and losing weight.

Being Tired and Other Things

Shorter entry today because I’ve got a lot to do but, suffice to say from looking at my task list, I didn’t get much done yesterday.  I was tired and, while I probably could have scratched out a little time for tiling, I still didn’t have much room in my schedule.  The air filter would have been an easy on to tick off, and I tried, but I bought the wrong size so now I have to return it and get the right one.

We had our first rehearsal for Rodeo last night and it wasn’t as bad as I’d been led to believe.  True, it wasn’t easy either but so far it’s not beyond my physical ability.  Of course, I hear that it gets harder the further into the dance you go so we will see how it goes.  The worst thing about it so far is that I just look stupid out there.

Going to try to start picking up some of the wooden flooring today.  I think I need about 60 boxes of it, which is almost a full pallet so I will be picking them up ten to twenty at a time and hauling the back to the house.  Should make it a little further with tiling tonight as everyone has other obligations so I will be left alone with nothing to do but work.  Of course, there’s changing the oil on my car and cleaning the pool which also both need to be done but for now I want to make a little more progress on that tile.

Mixed Bag

I was surprised to see how many of the items on my weekend to-do list I actually accomplished because, honestly, I felt like the whole thing was a mixed bag.  I mean, I stayed productive (as I normally do) but there were many diversions hauling the kiddo back and forth to dance events.  Not that I mind.  The time that I have around her is limited so I want to be sure to spend as much of it in her company as I can.

Overall, it was a weekend of small victories and little failures.  Not a total loss but far from the person I want to be.  I guess my overall takeaway is that I improved upon myself but I’m not quite there yet.

Friday, I was alone for most of the day because Dana had taken the kiddo to Houston for an audition so I spent the time doing a deep clean of the house.  With all of the travel and remodeling that’s been going on we’ve allowed some clutter to build up at the corners and it had finally started to drive me insane. 

I cleaned from morning till night and barely got it to a state that I felt happy with but overall it’s a huge improvement.  Picked up groceries and the air compressor.  I also cooked street tacos and together we ate them once the girls got home around 8:30pm. 

Saturday, I went to one of the kids auditions and we ate out afterwards.  I did get Dana out to the tile store to help me pick out tile for the guest bathroom and once we were home I started tiling.  It’s slow going right now but as my skills are coming back I’m beginning to pick up speed.  I think if I keep chipping away at it fairly consistently I may be finished by next weekend.  Of course, this doesn’t count the now 3 day a week ballet rehearsals I have to do for Rodeo.  I’m honored to have been chosen but not happy about that time commitment.

Anyway, I pretty much blew my diet on Saturday.  Drank too many beers while tiling and ate too many nachos at diner.  The whole day was just a massive failure for self-control.  I even spent money on a pair of headphones I didn’t need and a tool I could probably do without (but would be very nice to have) while buzzing on beer and watching tv.

Sunday, I was back in the saddle.  Cleaned out the cat cages for the group we volunteer with in the morning, helped Elissa with her math homework, laid some more tile, and took the kid off to her tap lesson.  I also went to the grocery store and got Dana to select some color samples for the wall at Lowes.

The only thing I wish had been different on Sunday was that I stayed up too late and finished the night with a shot of rum to help me fall asleep.  I really need to learn how to fall asleep without having a night-cap.  I never drink myself into a stupor but my need to have one to settle my nerves or go to bed makes me wonder if I have a problem.

Anyway, I mentioned in my first entry that I traveled a lot last year.  Google maps sent me a year-in-review email for 2018 and I thought that I’d share it here.

Toronto, Orlando, New York, Seattle, Portland and Marfa TX.  All trips for pleasure excepting Toronto.  It says that I visited 2 countries but I never officially made it into Mexico.  I was close enough to practically touch it but never crossed the boarder unfortunately.

The Long Climb

I feel like I may somewhat be giving the wrong impression of myself in this blog.  I’m not generally a craven person and I’m by no means lazy.  I’ve just begun to recognize a downward slide in my habits during the past few years and it is my intent to rectify it now, before it’s too late.

As a kid, I was truly a bit of a lazy slob but as I moved closer and closer to adulthood, I made it a point to change my habits.  Perhaps that is why this has become so important to me now.  I remade myself once and I don’t want to have to do it again.  Yes, people change, but what’s the point if it’s not changing for the better?

All that being said, I stumbled a little yesterday.  Not that bad of a slip-up but still it’s troubling to have happened so early in my quest to change my habits.  The trick is to have more good days than bad days and so far, that’s been the case but yesterday wasn’t one of my good days.

It all started when my wife asked meet to meet her at the bowling alley where she was entertaining our daughter and one of her friends.  I was starving even though I’d just had a Clif Bar but figured I would drop by and give her some company.  There we had a beer together which is no big deal because we both have active social lives and often attend events where drinks are shared among friends so I figured that I would never be able to be a tee-totaler even if I wanted to.  One drink is fine during the occasional weekday but really, no more than one.

Afterwards, I came home, reheated diner, put a second coat of the waterproofing compount on the shower walls, and then ate with my girls.  They had to be up early the next day for a trip to Houston so we were all in bed by 9:00pm and they were fast asleep within seconds.  I, however, wasn’t so lucky.

The dog started whining, a jet flew past, I could hear cars on the road, and a song was stuck in my head.  My old insomnia was tugging at my brain and the part of me that had, had a beer early was telling me that I could have another drink and fall asleep easy.

I tried to fight it for a while but the dog kept whining and the noises kept happening and soon I was up, sitting on the couch, and drinking a shot of rum.  I had two in all and was asleep by 10:30.  The drinks accomplished their goal, and I didn’t imbibe to excess, but I wish I hadn’t at all.  I broke my promise to myself and went above my daily calorie limits. 

I have to keep trying to be better all the time and it’s a long climb up.

Better Decisions

So far so good except for my persistent trouble sleeping.  I’ve always been a bit of an insomniac so I guess that’s to be expected.  I just have to remind myself to be patient with all of the tossing and turning rather than get up, wander the house, eat bad food, and have a drink to expedite sleep. 

Last night I went to bed around 10pm and tossed and turned till 12am.  The night before was much the same.  I need to work on building better sleeping habits.  There was a time when I was able to go to bed when I wanted to.

I’ve decided to start doing something I used to do for years but had stopped a while ago.  That is, make a list of things I want to accomplish during the day.  Of course, not everything always gets done.  Other priorities get in the way and some tasks fall by the wayside.

Last night, I didn’t plan on having to go by the store or help cook diner.  Not that I minded doing those things (they were nice) but they didn’t fit in with my overall plans.  Still, I was able tick off the most important items on my to-do list and that’s what’s important.

I re-setup my old diet tracker and have gotten my old budgeting software up and running.  I’m making a deal with myself to update them both daily for at least a month and then see where it goes from there.  At any rate, I’m now more informed about my life than I was a day ago and that will help guide me in making better decisions.

One of those decisions which doesn’t fit in well with my overall goal of saving money is a tool I need for the house.  Very soon, I’m going to need an air compressor.  Dana got me gift cards to Lowes for Christmas but they will only cover half of the cost.  I could wait, but there’s a good sale right now and I’m afraid that it will go away before I’m able to take advantage of it.

I’m going to sit on this decision until Friday and see where I will land on it.  I’m thinking I will go ahead and buy it but anything could happen in 24 hours.  The sale could go away or we could have other expenses which I’m not anticipating. 

At any rate, I hate spending extra money so soon into the New Year but this is truly something I will likely need within the next month or sooner and it’s now marked down by $100.  Difficult to know what’s the right thing to do here.

2019 Mission Statement

While 2018 wasn’t a total waste of a year, I feel like I could have done more with it.  True, I probably traveled more this year than at any other time in my life and I started (and finished some) projects around the house.  Still, I did not take care of my health and now, as I enter 2019 I’m achy and low on energy all the time.  This is, of course, my own fault.

Many things leading up to this year had led to bad habits.  Disappointments cause me to drink too much for my age and lost battles caused me to give up the fight in many areas where I shouldn’t have.  I didn’t pay attention to my diet and most of the time I was either too busy or too tired to attend to the maintenance of my fitness.  I haven’t gotten fat but I have gotten soft and now I need to reverse course before it’s too late.

This is not who I characteristically am so this year I’m going back in search of my true self.

I’m not perfect.  I have craven desires and low willpower and I’m prone to negativity but I used to be able to push through all of that and stay true to doing what is right for myself. Today, I’m creating this blog as both a means of keeping myself honest towards my goals as well as a place to blow off steam.

2019 Goals

• ·       Drink less and only on the weekends
• ·       Stay at or below my daily caloric intake on a day to day basis
• ·       Create a weekly budget and stick to it
• ·       Finish remodeling the house below budget
• ·       Create and maintain a weekly exercise routine that fits within the confines of my limited schedule but still achieves results
• ·       Start practicing guitar again

While some of these goals will likely change, and new ones will be added as time progresses, this is the skeletal framework around which I wish to build my life in 2019.  I’m old enough to know that not everything will work out but I feel that putting them in writing now, and reporting on my progress here a few times a week will help keep me true to my better intentions.