Done

Okay, that’s it.  After this weekend (where I will probably have a few) I’m done with drinking.  It’s just not very fun anymore.

Dana and I went and did our pizza date at Whole Foods last night.  She had wine and I had beer.  All evening long, the conversation was a little combative and I felt like I had to be on guard the entire time.  This was not how I pictured the night going.

When we got home, I helped her get ready for bed, went out and bought her some cookies, and yet still, she kept insinuating that I didn’t love her.  Look, I understand feeling a lack of confidence so I can sympathize with her but still, had I not had any beer, I feel like I’d have had a better capacity to deal with it all.  After she fell asleep I went out and got her flowers, put gas in her car, and drank an entire six-pack.

And now, this morning, I’m just angry.  

I’m angry at myself for drinking too much.  I’m angry at Dana for questioning my devotion to her when I do so much for my family.  I’m angry that I never have any time.  I’m angry that I can’t relate to the other parents at my daughter school.  I’m angry about the house and that, after years of complaining about it, Dana seems reluctant to help renovate it.  I’m angry about my job and how futile it feels.  I’m angry that my car has dents and scratches.  I’m angry at my parents for abandoning me and I’m angry for hanging on to all of this and being so angry about it.

Of course, all of this baggage is with me all the time but when I’m not drinking I can turn the volume down on it.  It’s not like I’m trying to avoid all of this but rather, these annoyances just become a part of the wallpaper of my life. I know I’m not the only one who has these sorts of frustrations and when I'm sober, I don’t let them dominate me and define my mood.   I like things better that way.

So yeah, I’m done with drinking for a while.  It’s not worth it.  When I drink, I blow my diet and come out the other side feeling worse about myself and my life.

Bought the wrong size air filter again.  I guess I’ll pick one up this weekend and hope that the 3^rd time is the charm.  Also, I investigated the breaker and found that it seems to be okay.  What’s wrong is that the pool pump motor is shot.  Turned it on and it basically just blew up at my feet.

The guy I had out last spring to help me with the filter told me that it was about to go so it’s not really a surprise and I’m glad that I got another season out of it.  Still, it’s an expense and a job I’d rather not have to deal with right now.  Replacing those motors is more of a pain than it should be.  I ordered a new one this morning and will replace it next week when it comes in.

Speaking of the pool, I guess I need to start looking at those solar heating systems and figuring out what I need to do to install one.  Dana and I have talked about getting something like that for a while now so I might as well go ahead and bite the bullet either when my bonus comes in from work or with some of the houses remodeling money.  I need a new bbq grill as well.

I don’t know.  Everything just seems completely futile right now and I’m annoyed by the minutia of life so I should probably just end this journal here.  I’m sure that tomorrow I will be in a better frame of mind.  I guess the good thing is that keeping this journal is helping to identify patterns like this that would otherwise just be contributed to mood or reconciled with pity.